My name is Michael. Most people just call me Vee.
In all likelihood, you’ll probably end up calling me Vee as well.
It just kinda happens that way.
So what’s going on here? What is this?
Another blog…am I gonna blog…huh? Is that what I’m gonna do? How about vlog…will I vlog? Is this going to be the bloggiest blog with a side order of vlog?
Settle down and let me explain…
And I promise I’ll do my best to keep it short and real…real and short….real short..because I know people ain’t much fer’ fancy readin’ these days.
Without going into lots of detail ( I’ll save that for the book ) I was someone who had it pretty good. A good job. Nice house. Beautiful wife. Awesome dog. The American dream.
I wasn’t rich. My house wasn’t a mansion. My wife wasn’t a super model and my dog couldn’t talk…as far as I know anyway.
But something happened along the way.
I lost myself and in turn lost everything along with it.
…well the dog I lost to cancer…dog cancer…worst kind there is…
I spiraled completely out of control and more or less forgot what it was to be a functional human being.
There’s a WHOLE LOT MORE to this story, but if this were a PowerPoint Presentation, those would be the bullet points. Highlighted in red. Possibly italicized. Maybe even in a more dramatic font.
I developed severe depression, which eventually morphed into manic desperation.
I was seeing two separate therapists. Swallowing antidepressants like they were fucking tic tacs. Fluoxetine, Duloxetine, Escitalopram, Lorazepam, Trazodone, Frumpendabbers, Doodleboomers, Nopoopatalls and Nonstoppoopingingtons*.
Went through fits of hysterics, battled complete insomnia ( still do ), fought through overwhelming suicidal ideations ( still do ) and gained at least 25 – 30 pounds.
In the process of trying to dig myself out of this emotional cesspool, I devoured every last self help book I could get my hands on. Seriously, you name it, I’ve read it. Probably twice.
• The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
• Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D.
• The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
• How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie
• You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero (fucking BRILLIANT book!)
• When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödron
• When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Chapman and Thomas
• Cum For Bigfoot by Virginia Wade ( this was more for fun )
• Get Your Shit Together by Sarah Knight
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
• Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson
On and on and on and on and on…..dozens of self help books, magazines, journals, websites. Anything I could read through the mental haze, the crippling fear and the crying jags.
I was never someone that ever put any real stock into self help books or motivational speakers or life coaches. Nor was I ever a person that suffered from depression.
In fact, I was just the opposite.
I was outgoing, gregarious and funny.
Before this, the last thing anyone would ever say about we was that I was a “sad person”.
In the interest of complete honesty, for the longest time I thought depression was a made up problem. I thought people who claimed to be “depressed” just wanted attention.
And I sincerely apologize to absolutely everyone for ever thinking that.
But I was young and ignorant.
I thought “Depression? Ha! Nothing wrong with you that two beers and blowjob won’t cure”.
Hot Buttery Jesus was I wrong.
I was so, so wrong.
But the one thing these books more or less all had in common was that they told their stories from the other side. Most of them stood in the winners circle and told the tale of how they “beat their demons”. A feel good story with a victory. I’m not putting them down or being condescending. I look up to these people. Seriously, they have replaced Nick Cave, Iggy Pop and Frankenstein as my heroes. And yes, my “reviews” are very broad generalizations. I get that. The point is, none of these books start at the bottom.
They don’t document anything in real time.
That’s what this is all about.
I haven’t beaten anything.
I’m not claiming any victories at all.
I’m highlighting my defeats.
All of them.
In crystal clear high fucking definition.
And I’m not pulling any punches.
Not about me. Where I am or what got me here.
I’m sitting here, typing this on a hand me down desk in a studio apartment.
Far away from my home, my family and everything I once had. 30 pounds overweight and freezing my ass off.
I own two towels. Have a dormitory style refrigerator and only eat things I can heat up using matches and harsh language.
But where I am now is only important because it marks the beginning.
It’s my starting point and this blog is going to document every single step I take to get back to being the person I was once was. I will beat this and I will come out stronger on the other side.
Sure there are some bells that I will never be able to unring. Some things and people that are gone for good. And I have to find a way to make peace with that. I have no choice.
But this is my current reality.
It won’t always be like this. I’m sure of it.
I will not let depression beat me.
I will not let anxiety control me.
I will not let fear paralyze me.
I will eventually wash my sheets.
This blog is the beginning of everything.
With the help of a little Vitamin Vee, I promise you I’m going to kick this thing in the balls and you all get to watch.
That’s what this is all about.
*Nonstoppoopingington is a lovely little town just south of Cape Cod.