There’s no rhyme or reason to this. Christ I wish there was. No warnings. No subtle hints. No clues and no circadian rhythms.
I feel good. Positive. Motivated. I’m going to take the world, bend it over my knee and give it a good spanking.
Cause it’s been naughty…oh that’s right..you naughty naughty world. Bad girl.
But then, just like that- it’s gone.
And desperation and despair hit me like a fucking tidal wave. Slamming me to the ground. Weighing me down with my regrets, my remorse, and my failures. Weights so heavy they seem impossible to even fathom, let alone navigate past or around.
Every time I think I’ve had my last ‘ideation’, that I’m past it, better than it. Beaten it. Something dark inside me awakens the beast. And I think ‘Maybe some people just aren’t meant to make it all the way’. ‘Maybe this is the way things are supposed to go. No point being selfish’.
Suicide doesn’t scare me. It never has. Even in my darkest days when I was terrified to be alone with myself – it was never ending it that scared me. But living like this forever is not something I will do. The ups and downs of this day to day ‘existence’…this half life, is not something I have the ability to sustain.
Hell, forget ability, I don’t have the interest. And that’s not depression talking. That’s common sense and decency.
To quote G. Love, ‘This ain’t livin’.’
Just on the off chance that anyone might be reading this, I want you to know that I’m not actually thinking of killing myself. But these thoughts do filter their way through my roadblocks. Yes I’ve been working out, eating better, meditating, yoga, writing, soul searching, making better choices, smarter decisions based on true intent and not impulse or clouded judgement. All the things a normal human being would have done from the very beginning. And yes it’s all been helping in ways I never really thought possible. But depression doesn’t have an on/off button. There’s not one specific thing you can do or have happen that will magically make it all go away. Just like sometimes you feel one way and the next minute you feel the exact opposite. Some days you’re up and hopeful and other days you’re down and dejected. Some days you want company. Other days you need to be alone. Some days your heart is full of love and other days it’s heavy with pain.
Some days your mind just likes to fuck with you. Other days it likes to fuck with you too.
This is a down day for me. For a lot of reasons. None of which I’ll bore you with. I’m posting this because I’m not hiding from it. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m being honest with you and more importantly, myself.
Some days you just need more help than others